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To my Naduskioitaka

From the moment we set the dates for your visit, my heart was filled with anticipation and excitement. I was thrilled at the prospect of spending quality time with you, showing you my beloved city of Berlin, and sharing in the joy of discovering new places together. I envisioned us strolling leisurely through the streets, exchanging stories, and revisiting my favourite spots and places that hold a special place in my heart from the 11 years I've spent here. And learn from you how to take care of myself, how to improve my time management, be homy and cosy, cook and eat together, cultivate each other and just feel the joy on maximum without any additives(!) needed. (to prove myself that it is possible, furthermost).


I also looked forward to embarking on lil wild but safe adventures, exploring new spots and sharing in the excitement that comes along with it. I imagined us bonding over our shared interest in exhibitions and museums, sharing all what we have been experiencing since the last time we have met and furthermore simply making this trip unforgettable (well, that's achieved tho but..) by creating more memories that we would cherish and reminisce about in the years to come.

Upon your arrival, my excitement was at its peak. It was amplified by the belief that we were now on the same page regarding the 'No Mop-ping policy'. I had been feeling a strong need to quit as well, and I was confident that with your support, and your proven ability to keep things under control, I could draw strength and maintain my resolve. I felt prepared for the journey, believing that our combined strength would make the path to self-improvement smoother and easier.

However, not long after your arrival, I found myself grappling with feelings of disappointment, often expressed aggressively and inappropriately. This was an unexpected turn of events that left me feeling like I was failing, a feeling that persisted with each passing day.

My reality was diverging from the vision I had painted for myself, leading to a recurring pattern of negative emotions and guilt. In my ideal scenario, I would have been proud of myself each day, feeling supported, and grateful for the opportunity to spend time with you. However, sadly, often the reality was far removed from this.

Despite our emotional struggles, we persevered with our plan to visit places and tick off items from our mutual “to do” list and we also had some wonderful moments of joy together. And at least achieving “to do list” goal together was a beautiful feeling. Yet, I couldn't shake off the disappointment that my ideal self and ideal version for your visit was absent during this time, replaced instead by my less desirable traits, appearance of my own demons and lose a battle, triple times stronger.

Even as I found myself falling back into my old patterns, I thought I could escape by drawing on your strength and the stability you have achieved in your own life. I was hopeful about learning from you, rather than feeling like I was waging a constant battle with myself.

In you, I see not just a younger sister(that usually in such relations, it's the one who needs to be taken care of), but also a friend and my dearest family member I can lean on, no matter what. Besides, you're someone I can share my deepest thoughts and feelings and most absurd or wild selves with, or someone I can be completely vulnerable with, and someone who understands me, and even have shared struggles.

Even after the difficulties experienced last summer, which was a challenging time for you and those who care for you, I believed that the lessons learned would serve as your guide. Despite others trying to exert control, I have complete trust in your ability to take responsibility for yourself. I believed your trip would further enhance my trust in your self-awareness and your respect for your own as well as others’ boundaries. I had faith that the unpleasant experiences we had also shared already remained in the past and we moved on, leading to a greater understanding of the importance of respecting others' boundaries, especially when it’s openly communicated about discomfort.

The prominence of my uglier side during this time had nothing to do with you or the love and care I have for you. I hold immense respect for you and consider myself blessed to have someone with such a brilliant mind and soul close to me. I often see reflections of myself in you and admire the way you handle life and personal challenges. And still, I learn a lot from you as well as with you.

Overall, Berlin trip was a wonderful experience end of the day, I have got a lot of lessons, I noticed a lot of weaknesses of myself even further where I should work on and I had still great time with you, although on the day you left, I was feeling under the shadow of feeling disappointment of myself and far away from how I thought the time we spent could be beside performing the version of myself that I am not proud of.

I apologize deeply and sincerely for being mean, unkind and presenting again my ugliest version to you. It's part of the package, It is definitely correlated to other struggle. Hope, non of my negativity and horrible behaviour remains with you as they are, but they can be converted to something fruitful, if possible. :-/


And regardless of what, just to remind you as to sum it all up: I love you very much and I am thankful for everything we experience(d) together my lil wild monster. Stay brilliant, magnificent and AJ, till the next time we catch a time together 🙂 Please take care of yourself, and feel tightly hugged, we will carry on our usual convos anw <3

kisses to you my gorgeous AJ aka younglady. (not a babygirl!)

with enormous love,  

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