030413 - After Leaving The Graveyard.
The first impressions are walls, people without smile, without a voice.
It’s been always a desire to leave the graveyard that I left behind now. I achieved something that I always wanted. But the point was that I started to enjoy the smell of a plant in there.
The plant always brought me the feeling that I should leave, I should not stay in the graveyard, otherwise they would bury me too.
I was too young to be buried, but it’d be easier for them.
So with many supports, I left the graveyard, different than what I’ve used to see, what I’ve used to do. Tears. Not much words. Thinking, thinking, dreaming, imagining, leaving, thinking.
Not much to say.
Not much to talk.
I left the graveyard and the only alive plant there is still there. If I could pick it up with me, it wouldn’t be alive anymore. So I left it there, hopefully some buried people will raise and water it.
…
Berlin - Neukölln
03042013
Wednesday
18:19
Kafamdaki dusunce patlamalari, her nekadar dogru duzgun bir referans vermese da olustuklari bir adres vardir belli ki, olustuklarina gore.
Degisen duygularim.
Degisen modlarim.
Degisen kiyafetlerim.
Degisen insanlarim.
Degisen benligim.
Herkesin degisken olmasi gerekirken, saniyelerin saliseleri kovaladigi zaman dilimi iclerinde, birilerinin ayni yerde sayiyor olmasina gercekten anlam veremiyorum. Peki bazilarinin olanaklari olmayabilir soyledigin gibi ama yine de gozlerini iyice acarsan, gorebilecegin cok sey var. Fiziksel olarak gozlerini acmandan bahsetmiyorum tabii ki, beyin gozlerimizden algilarimizdan bahsediyorum.
Ve sýkýldým. ?azmiyorum.
Welcome Back.
it was a while we haven’t spoken to each other. Now it’s time to tell me, what is happening there?
Silence covered the walls of the room I was in. Again, it was me and him. And the question appeared. On my mouth, a bit feeling of numb.
Same Tabacco, different clothes, different linens. But it was us again. After a long long time later.
Now it’s time to listen..
I do not want to leave you.
The death. It feels, it’s here. It’s so cold.
And reaching to the end.
No, no.
This nightmare should be gone, I do not want to sleep anymore.
Give me some blue, and white, and green.
Call it uncalled once again.
Give me an other orgasm, a happiness.
I do not want to go.
I do not want to leave this happy-land you and I’ve created.
A pool of too much stress, I have to jump in.
I found the house
After trying all the doors and getting bored from all of them, the decision was occupying my mind about not to knock any other doors in this village. I wanted to find the peace, love. There was a heaven and paradise created in our minds when we were kids. Wherever I stood in front of the door, before I knock it, my imagination was taking me behind the door and helping me to imagine the things exist in the house, but my imagination was never true when I face the reality.
It was written love exist inside of one of the doors, and I’ve been in this house before, I knew the address. Even though after I had no more energy to knock the other doors, I came back to this door, there was no bell-ring but it was a big house, really expensive one, the door was wooden, there was lots of flowers shining after I climbed the stairs. Poor mind was rich in imagination, and kept imagining what could happen inside, great classical music to have a dance, golden frame mirrors, and full of incredible paintings inside, just like an art-gallery. While I’ve been inside before, I had no opportunity to see it completely because I was looking outside from the window, and when I saw a car passing, without thinking of anything exist in the place, I left it.
It was not a hard decision, because I was not aware of this house.
After car dropped me infront of another house, I had no courage to knock it and I got back by walking to the house. It was a bit far from where I was, but the address was in my mind, clearly. It wasn’t difficult to reach there but time passed, lots of time. Maybe a new decoration was built inside. Then here I am again, thinking to knock the door and not to. ****and started to get pessimistic thoughts. that has been created in our mind
I knocked it. I checked out the bell-ring, but I wouldn’t prefer to press the button. I waited, during my waiting I’ve been thinking about the time I’ve been in this house before, even I was looking out from the glass, how happy, how peaceful it was inside, how I wasted my opportunity by only watching outside instead of walking in and discovering the corners never seen by anyone else before.
I started to get lost in my imaginary world, it felt like I am going to faint, and walked towars the stairs, and put my bump on the somewhere in the middle, I was thinking to leave but still expecting that the door will open. It didn’t. My mind was being covered will full of idea of leaving it, but still the expectation were existing in my mind. I left the garden, the house after I walked down from the stairs, I didn’t know where to go, and I was getting closer to the exit of the village.
Suddenly, I saw a house with full of flowers hanging from the it’s windows, and the door was opened, even it was not properly opened, I wanted to take a chance and see what it is inside, the curiosity of human-mind took me there. Without knocking the door, I got inside, it was a bit embarrassing but inside felt like I am in a forest or a mountain covered with beautiful nature. With the embarrassed feelings I turned and looked at the door I entered this wonderful place, I’ve seen that the door was closed, but inside it was another world, so never felt that I am locked in
I was still amazed by the beauty of nature were built inside the house. Those trees, flowers, waterfalls..
A slow background music like it’s live performance of Antony and the Johnsons.. I thought I am experiencing the dream I always had. By minute to a minute I’ve been sure it wasn’t my imagination this time, but it was still unbelievable.. All the thing you’ve dreamed of is infront of you.
Ah, It gives the feeling of peace, the existence of peace.
I touched to the trees, washed my face with the river water, smelled the soil who keeps alive the flowers. I smelled the flowers, and all were so true! They never seemed fake, and they were not, that was what I always expected when I entered to a place, to a house.
There was a light in a room, and stairs that goes down somewhere I do not know, it was like a tunnel to escape from something that I couldn’t understand. It was great place to live, who would like to escape from that?This room left some marks in my mind when I walked inside all other rooms in the house, I was enjoying the music, eating the fruits on the trees, smelling the flowers again and again. Then the room with the light were being too bright by the time, I was walking towards it but in the beginning I didn’t have a courage to take the stairs and leave this beautiful house, but it was obvious I was not able to leave this house in a way that I entered, since the door were locked. I am just looking to the stairs, having questions with the curiosity of a mind. By the light coming from edge of stairs, shouldn’t keep myself here. After I saw brightness of the light was increasing, there must be something going on, so I checked all the rooms in the house and I’ve realized all those lovely trees started to drop it leaves, flowers started to die and the waterfalls seems not happy as they were when I entered.
Everything in the house were fading away with the light I’ve seen..
I didn’t want to ruin the beautiful house I’ve found.
I was keep thinking and thinking what could be done, then I found the solution by walking towards the light as I always wanted to. When I got back to the room after I’ve walked every single place I could in the house, I found a note in front of me. It was saying what I can do to keep alive the nature in the house. As it was mentioned on the note, all I could do was to take the stairs and reach the light-source and build a wall between the light-source and the stairs. But it was clear enough to understand that after building the wall, I was going to be a piece of light.
The light and I were going to be one, and not to harm the flowers and trees inside I planned to take myself into the light and move away from this house. So by now, I am getting ready to build the blockage between light-source and the stairs of paradise to keep the paradise alive.
250213
Letters in meanings.
C
Title is only one letter, the third letter of alphabet. It’s planned that rest of the letters will be a title for other article’s. I’ve decided to put ‘C’ for this one. So obviously for the first time in entire life, I am believing a thing that will continue without having any anxiety.
Whenever I think of you, I talk about you or see you. My heart is being covered with the feeling of excitement. I am not so foreign to the feeling but there is a difference. I wanted to be covered with this feeling for a long time ago, then I’ve lost my belief that I can have it.
Still having confusions if I am having what I always was scared to have or not. Since I am being scared of getting out of my shell, it feels like am a bit out and ready to be damaged by C.
Also when C started to continue on D E and F, I start to believe it will go until the Z. Then letting my self without a fear of being hurt. That is the times I love most when I am with you.
O
Her sey basladigi yere geri donme gayreti icindeydi. O harfini yazarken oldugu gibi, bir noktadan baslarsin, diger noktayla birlestirmeye calisirsin cizgileri O harfini elde etmek icin. O harfini cizebilmek icin ugrastigimiz bir zaman icinde aslinda o harfinin yuvarlanip gidebilecegi gibi, kendimizi yuvarlamaya calismaktayiz. Aslinda hayat O harfiyle kisitlanmamalidir da bir yerde, bir seyler degismelidir baslangicta olanla, ama neticede baktigin zaman bir hicten baslayip, bir hice tamamlaniyoruz ve bir butun olarak sona ulasiyoruz. Tamamlanma evrelerinde yapilanlar, konusulanlar, okunanlar, izlenenler, her seyler gecip gidiyor ve sona ulasiyoruz, tamamlaniyoruz.
Bu iliski de buna benzer olmakta. Hicten basladik, bir nokta koyduk, nokta cizgiye donustu ve yolunu O harfi seklinde almaya basladi, ilerledi ilerledi, bazen nokta nokta ilerledi bazen uzun uzadiya, gecirilen zamanla baglantiliydi aslinda bu noktalarin birlesip cizgiyi olusturmasi ve seklinin yuvarlak, o harfinin seklini almasini diler bir sekilde ilermeye ona yon vermeye cabasi icinde oyle ya da boyle kaleme yon vermeye calisiyorduk. Bizden bahsediyorum cunku kalemi tek elle tutmaya calistigim zamanlarda, O harfinin disina cikmaya basladigimi gormeye basladigim zamanlarla karsi karsiya kaliyordum.
Netice, C'nin yarim kalmisligindan sonra, O harfinin butunlugunu tamamlama gayreti icinde kaybolmadan ilerlemeye ve sona tamamlanmis bir sekilde ulasmaya calisiyorduk. Ikimizde.
S
I’ve never been slapped in that harsh way, I know it’s a psychological way of seeing things, but when I only expect support and love from someone, slap is unexpected. You slapped me before and it wasn’t that painful.
We were having our dinner at a restaurant, and maybe if I see it in that way, it makes me comfortable more so; I was happy, in a good-mood ignoring the rest, just wanted to kiss you, just wanted to look into your eyes, and forget about that world turns and it’s giving us the pain in every second of it. Thank you for reminding me that. And taking me back to reality, once again.
I have alot to learn from you. It’s obvious. I know in my personality until I get pain in the ass, I do not move. I do not move to do things I have to, and I am not planned at all, and enjoying the day with pleasure without pushing myself into the stressful life. I am not a hardworker. Your words were the little needles in my brain, in my mind and heart. I couldn’t take them, since ever you continued I couldn’t stop my mind to be exploded and try to catch up with your advises, I know you are also being afraid of me, and you want me to get ready, and that was the reason you did all of these. It could me in a better way.
S is beginning in a point and continuing on it’s way to find the exit, and it doesn’t end somewhere. To create the letter it ends somewhere obviosuly but it can go ahead. It’s curvy and has it’s own way of moving and you end in a point that you were completely opposite in the begining. During the journey of S, you do not know what you are going to face. And last night you proved it to me with your words and ur great experiences, even I could think of all the things you’ve said, I wouldn’t take myself down with all the time thinking all of these.
Don’t you see that I am loosing what I have, my life is surrounded all by friends, family, and other people. And I love socializing. Here I have my friends, and it’s going to chance during the time, the family with kinship can be same but what about without kinship ones? They still exist, and there are millions of people waiting to meet them.
I experienced life in a big city living without a money, even it was just like a small trip, I experienced the difficulties but still, I am up to start a new life without seeing the end. That is also another characteristics of S, you start from somewhere and because of it curves you do not know where you going to end it up. So the only thing I can do is, get your advises in a good way and start the S journey and see.
Thank you for all you’ve said even all took my mood down, sometimes I need someone to do that, but not in that hursh, maybe it wasn’t that hursh, it was me who got in that way but still I can see the good point in that and I am being thankful.
And tonight, when I had a meeting with the documentary director, I told everything, everysingle feeling you brought to me, I felt that when I was talking about you, the smile was in my face and I wanted the listener to be impressed about what I had, it wasn’t something in my mind but later on when I thought about it, i am proud to be with you and having my pleasent time with you, so wanted to show it to a person, I met just once. Your words made me realize that it’s not only one person, it’s the whole people whomever going to watch the documentary, I had lost that sense when I was there with the director and the excitement in my blood made me speak loud everything, even there were some missing parts, I opened up myself to this person, and you made me to think of who is this person that I opened up that easily? Who are going to watch or listen what I’ve been through.
I couldn’t sleep of thinking all of these, it was overwhelming and even the light was switched off, I couldn’t close my eyes, it was very dark, and I’ve seen the dark, watched the dark, felt it deep inside of me, and it was actually what I’ve.
I couldn’t take this anymore and I left you alone in the bed, I smoked a cigarette, felt the breeze in your living room and I made my mind to send a mail to the guy I’ve seen once and I told him my love stories, my sensetive face. It was easily understood that I’ve faced the regret about the what I’ve told him, and again I wanted to show him how sensetive I am.
He answered me, he was understanding, I know I should be more careful and more mature about all of these, the time will come. I haven’t been living you had lived already.
Just to sum up, I am still appriating your existence, and I am glad that I met you, you brought up lots of feelings I had before, good or bad doesn’t matter. The only thing matters is I am getting addictive to you, and it’s not a good thing, I know.
19022013
Mus
T
We could see it that it was a dead-end. But everything was going on it’s way that it wasn’t a dead end. When we were getting closer to the end of the road, we started to move on other ways, or we tired.
The dead-end sign, T.
You’ve entered in a wrong way. You should not continue. You should not move ahead if you won’t be stopping. If you want to go further, you shouldn’t take this road. No way, deadend, one way.
Now you are sitting there, you sent me a photo that you took today.
I said thanks.
End of the road
A
Two lines, independent from each other, comes along, and a bridge connects them, with the bridge they start to come closer and closer and the separation between two line ends.
The thing makes the letter special is that two separate lines clashes in a certain point. Even the time they were separated they moved along each other.
They are being connected to each other.
So the separation won’t last long. It’s a very positive letter.
When It gives a hope.
Hope of the connection will happen in the end.
Plastic Bubble Man was born March 2016.
From a mind, everybody has built their own invisible circles that contains their surroundings.
Their job, their thoughts, their social connections, and everything else one's life can consist.
But in all of these, the thuoghts we do have are the bubbles we build, the thoughts are our invisible borders
which sometimes we find hard to get out of those borders.
Plastic Bubble Man is aware of this, and he wants to throw all his bubbles out of his mind, and reach to free mind
without any limitations. A mind in process always, open, and creative without circlating in same circles.
He sees other peoples bubbles being shared, in his plastic shaped body, he feels himself humanized and he observes other people and watches how so called the real people
tries to spread their bubbles and put their bubbles into other human's mind. When his mind is not open to take any of other people's
bubbles, he feels protected in the same time contraticted of not opening up his mind to new bubbles because instead of spreading his good bubbles on people he meets, he gets their into their thought bubbles, and loses his point time to time but fights against to keep his doors open to inhilate other bubbles, to spread good bubbles.
So that's how his bubble stories starts..
Photo Critique Checklist
1. Intent – Could any viewer look at this photo and KNOW what you had in mind?
2. Emotional Impact – Can this photo be described with words of emotion, like peace, calmness, anger, rage, joy, or sadness? Does your photo make an emotional statement?
3. Center of interest – When composing your images do you successfully direct your viewer’s attention to a specific point? Would the viewer know where your center of interest is?
4. Illusion of depth – Have you used framing, balance, contrast, and other art concepts to make your image jump off the page, or does it just sit there?
5. Subject/background contrast – Shooting a portrait of someone with black hair against a black background in not usually a good idea. Does your subject stand out?
6. Personal style – Ansel Adams was known for extreme illusion of depth and all planes in very sharp focus. Jim Zuckerman is known for vibrant colors and simplified subjects within their natural setting. Henri Cartier-Bresson once said, “There is nothing in this world that does not have a decisive moment.” How will others describe your unique approach?
7. Selective focus – Do you choose where the viewer will look? If the background is just as sharp as the foreground, things can become very visually confusing.
8. Composition – Do you consistently use the rule of thirds, formal or informal balance, and leading lines? Take control of where the viewer’s eyes are most likely to fall in your image.
9. Exposure – Do you always shoot at whatever the camera says, or do you take control of the light? Can you see details in your shadows? Have you ever used a reflector or bounced a flash as opposed to straight on?
10. Story telling – Is there a feeling of movement within your image, or does it just sit there? Does it leave anything to the imagination, or is it just a statement of what is? If your image doesn’t tell a story, there is no reason to give it a second glance. Great photos make you want to look again and again.
Use this checklist A) to see where you are at the moment and B) to see where your work is going in the future. Having a photographic standard is like having a road map. It is possible to get from here to there without one . . . but it’s a whole lot easier with one. Knowing what areas you need to improve is the first step in becoming a better photographer.
About the Author:
Award winning writer / photographer Tedric Garrison has 30 years experience in photography (www.betterphototips.com). As a Graphic Art Major, he has a unique perspective. His photo eBook “Your Creative Edge” proves creativity can be taught. Today, he shares his wealth of knowledge with the world through his website.
July 23, 2013
Berlin
What are you doing to me mr?
My tear is yours,
My smile is yours,
My fun is yours.
The phone I use,
The bag I carry,
The money in my pocket
The shirt I wear is yours.
You still try to release me from you.
Isn’t it too late mr?
Isn’t it unfair?
What have you done to me?
You can see that. It’s clear mr.
my body,
my mind, my heart, my words are yours.
You occupied me.
I can’t breath.
My body is in yours,
My breath is yours.
I can’t feed my hope without you.
I was dead before,
you rose me again!
Did you rise me to kill once more?
But I’m afraid you’re a not a killer.
You’re not a murderer, don’t be mr.
Geçiyor, tutamiyoruz
Ne sen, ne de ben,
Ilkkez basaramiyoruz birseyi,
Gücümüzün yetmediðini görebiliyoruz ilk kez.
Kayip gidiyor ellerimizden güzel anlar, anilar.
Sahip çikamiyoruz, harciyoruz kendimizi zamanda.
Sonu hiç gelmeyecek bir siire baslamis gibi hissediyor yine kalbim,
Yine hiç dokunmadigim bir teni bana yasatiyor hislerim.
Sorular var cevaplari bilinmeyen, bilinemeyen, bilinmek istenmeyen.
Özlemin içimde büyüyor artan mesafelerle,
Mutsuzluk çöküyor içime geçen sensiz her saniyede.
Aðlar yüreðim,aðlar sessizce..
Damlar göz yaþlarý içime,
Ve yakarlar, acýtýrlar beni.
Canlanýyor hayalimde o halin,
Ben giderkenki aklýma, beynime..
Bana olan o hakimiyetin..
Seni çok sevdim be handisim.
Üsüyorum yine günes tepede..
Isitiyor, aydinlatiyor herkesi..
Gölge gelmis çatmis bana yine.
Alamiyorum enerjiyi,
Erisemiyorum normal sicakliga,
Parlamiyor artik yildizlar da..
Günes var oldugunu sansada,
Yok aslinda bana.
Ulasilmaz uzakligindan
Bakilmaz parlakligindan,
Ve dokunulmazligindan kurtuldugu vakit
Fark edecektir, görecektir beni, biliyorum.
O zaman ya Kararacaktir herkesin dünyasi,
Ya da herkes kararacaktir bana.
Tüm enerjiyi çekme planlari içinde,
Paylasmamak arzusu kaplamis hücrelerimi, heryerimi.
Sakladim hep içimde,
Kortum gider yine digerlerine,
Kaybederim enerjimi bukezde diye.
Ve azaldi birgün yine enerjin,
Aydinlik, parlaklik ve sicakligin..
Günes tutulmasi yasadi yine bu beden,
Çikmak istedi her seferki gibi bu ruh,
Kopup gitmek istedi bedenden.
Tamamlandi artik günesin bedene yasattigi tutulma,
Gölge yine hertaraf bana,
Bak, gör bukez sende aydinlandi diger bedenler yine..
Mutsuzluk çöktü üzerime bukezde,
Yok etti içimde kendime sakladigim, enerjimi..
Sicagimi..
Döngü basa döndü defalarca oldugu gibi..
Üsüyorum yine, günes tepede..
Bekliyorum belki birgün son bulur diye.
Üsüyorum yine günes tepede..
Isitiyor, aydinlatiyor herkesi..
Gölge gelmis çatmis bana yine.
Alamiyorum enerjiyi,
Erisemiyorum normal sicakliga,
Parlamiyor artik yildizlar da..
Günes var oldugunu sansada,
Yok aslinda bana.
Ulasilmaz uzakligindan
Bakilmaz parlakligindan,
Ve dokunulmazligindan kurtuldugu vakit
Fark edecektir, görecektir beni, biliyorum.
O zaman ya Kararacaktir herkesin dünyasi,
Ya da herkes kararacaktir bana.
Tüm enerjiyi çekme planlari içinde,
Paylasmamak arzusu kaplamis hücrelerimi, heryerimi.
Sakladim hep içimde,
Kortum gider yine digerlerine,
Kaybederim enerjimi bukezde diye.
Ve azaldi birgün yine enerjin,
Aydinlik, parlaklik ve sicakligin..
Günes tutulmasi yasadi yine bu beden,
Çikmak istedi her seferki gibi bu ruh,
Kopup gitmek istedi bedenden.
Tamamlandi artik günesin bedene yasattigi tutulma,
Gölge yine hertaraf bana,
Bak, gör bukez sende aydinlandi diger bedenler yine..
Mutsuzluk çöktü üzerime bukezde,
Yok etti içimde kendime sakladigim, enerjimi..
Sicagimi..
Döngü basa döndü defalarca oldugu gibi..
Üsüyorum yine, günes tepede..
Bekliyorum belki birgün son bulur diye.
Hiç düþündün mü ruhun niye solmuþ,
Düþündün mü acaba neden insanlarýn kovulduðunu hayattan..
Yaptýn mý sende tahminler cevabý olmayan sorular için,
Yalnýzlýðýnýn,
Akmayan göz yaþlarýnýn,
Ýçinde biriken bu acý selinin sebeplerini bulmayý baþardýn mý..
Kendini býrakýp gitmek isteyiþini kovulmayý beklemeden,
Terk etmeyi seçmek istediðini araþtýrdýn mý..
Caným acýyor kalbimin atýþýnda,
Güç oluyor nefes almak artýk bana.
Ýçim bir garip oluyor güneþin her doðuþunda,
Lanet ediyorum her açýþýmda her açýþýmda gözlerimi dünyaya..
Bu içimdeki nefreti besledim göz yaþlarýmla,
Her çarpýþýnda, büyüdü çatlaklar içinde ki kalbimin,
Ve hücreler terk etti birer birer..
Duygularým yok oldu önce,
Sonra gitti ruhum benden sessizce,
Boþ bir beden kalýr oldu benden,
Bu korku ve nefret dolu lanet dünyaya.
sasasasasa
Caným acýyor kalbimin atýþlarýnda,
Güç oluyor nefes almak artýk bana.
Ýçim bir garip oluyor güneþin her doðuþunda,
Lanet ediyorum yeni bir güne açýþýmda gözlerimi..
Ama içimdeki nefreti besler oldum göz yaþlarýmla,
Dev bir canavar oldu içimdeki nefret,
Almak, götürmek istedi beni..
Çatlaklar oluþtu kalbimde ..
Her çarpýþýnda daha da büyüdü çatlaklar,
Ve hücreler terk ederken birer birer,
Duygularým yok oldu önce..
Sonra gitti ruhum benden sessizce,
Boþ bir beden kalýr oldu benden,
Bu korku ve nefret dolu lanet dünyaya.
31 01 09
Noktasý baþýnda konmuþ bir hikaye bu yaþadýklarým.
Bazen bu ben miyim diyorum..
Yoksa orda öylece boþluga dalýp giden adam mýyým ben..
Çokmu þey yaþadým yoksa yetersiz mi bu yaþadýklarým bana?
Küçük kalmýþ büyüyememiþim ben.
Ne diyor bu insanlar aþkla savaþla?
Ne demek istiyor bu sahte yaratýklar?
Koþturuyor beynimde belirsiz isimler,cisimler..
Duyabiliyorum onlarý..
Git diyorlar kendinden,
býrak ruhunu boþluða,
gelme birdaha buralara..
Kaç diyorlar, bu adaletsiz dünyadan..
Yasaklardan..
Ve kork diyorlar insanlardan.
Hep dinledim onlarý..
Korktum insanlardan..
Bu muydu hayat bagýmý koparan?
Ben miydim bu yaratiklardan kopup uzaklaþan?
darkmetalic
1990143
195.4.16.199:8793
mehate
kuralýna göre oynamazsan kaybedersin.insan gibi davranmalýsýn.yani acýmasýz,kalpsiz.en önemlisi yalan ol ..
Yavas yavas bitiyor hersey, gidiyor hayatimda var sandiklarim.. "SON"u yine yakinlarda hissediyorum!
The Verse
Bittersweet Symphony
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tss17.netclusive.de:30117 reborn ts
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http://tr.wikipedia.org/wiki/Borderline_ki%C5%9Filik_bozuklu%C4%9Fu#Tedavi
Deep breath I try to take in, and take out.
A pain in my stomach.
Cigarettes I consume, I waste.
My body is nothing more than a smoke.
My ashes falling apart. I had nothing to do with that. I accepted. No other options.
“Life goes on.”
This is how we motivate our dead-minds.
The lovely radiation helps.
And now, you do not want to understand.
I really wonder why you do not want to understand that in this hopeless world, you’ve been a rope to me, a rope to climb back and see the life from more beautiful perspectives in many aspects. To feel alive again. I was feeling already dead, with your smell I became alive, with your touch I started to breath, with your eyes I started to see again. I moved my body, and opened my eyes again. Why don’t you want to understand this. It may sound very pathetic, to value the rope of the hope as a person (because we all experienced that everyone goes when the day comes)..
Maybe this is what is scaring you, but this rope helps me to climb on, and enjoy the life better, a reason for me to hope more, and more. And move further, move forward.
Why don’t you understand that? I’ve been in very deep and dark, in very hopeless and very bottom of this room, surrounded by the walls without a door or a window.
I’m repeating myself, you’ve been a rope to go out, you’ve been a window to bright the room again, a door to leave this breathless room. With you i got over that.
Yes, I was dead! I thought it was geographical reason, but even I changed my location with you I fee alive. When you move backwards, I feel breathless and the walls of the room appears again. The rope becomes blurry, I still need time and feel more comfort within you, then I can climb higher, with your existence.
I do not want to put a responsibility on your already heavy shoulders, but if you think cutting this rope is a way to help me or save me, that’s not the way works with me, believe me I know myself better than you do. Are you really aware of where am I going to fall if the rope will be gone now?
So, do not do this to me please. I’m begging you. Since I can see it in your eyes, I want to climb more, and more. But if you tell me to not hold the rope, the time will come, I will find a way to move on the rope in another way, but I will not lose the rope. If you go, the rope will be gone too. Why don’t you understand that? Why don’t you want to know that?
…
23713
July 23, 2013
Berlin
What are you doing to me mr?
My tear is yours,
My smile is yours,
My fun is yours.
The phone I use,
The bag I carry,
The money in my pocket
The shirt I wear is yours.
You still try to release me from you.
Isn’t it too late mr?
Isn’t it unfair?
What have you done to me?
You can see that. It’s clear mr.
my body,
my mind, my heart, my words are yours.
You occupied me.
I can’t breath.
My body is in yours,
My breath is yours.
I can’t feed my hope without you.
I was dead before,
you rose me again!
Did you rise me to kill once more?
But I’m afraid you’re a not a killer.
You’re not a murderer, don’t be mr.
I knew that I was bothering.
I knew I had to respect, but I totally lost the logical side of my mind.
I gave you an anger instead of your love, instead of your care. I brought you in tears, I was lost.
You never wanted me to interrupt. Could’t accepted it, tried to fight it.
I did. I interrupted. I am afraid.
I sent you a message on facebook.
It’s been such a long time that I’ve been feeling all of these, it’s not a new thing. I always thought that it was because of Cyprus, and that’s why I always called graveyard for the Cyprus.
Now I am in Berlin, very beautiful place with lots of opportunities around. It’s been a week, not much but still couldn’t get away from the deep-black hole I felt inn when I was in Cyprus.
The rope was a metaphor used for a hope. I need a rope to get out from this black-hole.
During the time I was with you, I felt safe, I felt good, the sun from outside started to hit my black-hole and started to make it bright, and shiny. And as I always told you, when I’ve been next to you it was always like another world.
Maybe you won’t be understanding me, but I wanted to write all of these to you, and wanted you to know how bright you are in a period of mylife.
I’m fine.
I’m not worried of anything, because I am being not caring about anything for a long time.
Think positive, I do.
And it doesn’t change anything but still I’ve to keep myself busy with something that satisfies me, and I will, soon.
Maybe you won’t understand me, but I am good. I am very thankful of your existence in mylife. And my mood-swings is not caused by you, do not feel blamed. Your existence gives me a light.
I do not want to talk about these black-hole story anymore, it’s a period that will pass, I expected. And I still have a rope to use somewhere I know, and I will have it soon in my hand.
Please, if you bother yourself with this, do not.
Anyway, I feel too much filled with thoughts, and cannot take them out properly. Tonight I arranged some meeting with CouchSurfing Gay-Society, also some international organizations that was located in Cyprus too and I’ve already been member to.
So, please be understanding, and do not push it hard, mr loved.
Enjoy ur evening!
Kisses.
What?
What do you want me to say now.
No. I am not going to answer. I do not want to talk, I do not want to discuss this anymore. I’ve told you before, I’ve explained you before. I just meant you before that I always enjoy your existence in my life. But still you prefer to disappear. I respect but it hurts. Hurts like hell. When you’re cutting the tomato in the kitchen, you move the knife on them, and they bleed, you do not see until you cut your finger. You bleed. I feel like a tomato. I am bleeding, but you can’t see. You’re holding the knife in your words, and I just lay on the table, seeing that you’re cutting me into the pieces, until you also cut my eye into two pieces and it’s not functioning anymore.
Are you aware of what are you doing to me?
The person I know, who promised not to let me fall, now pushing me inside the huge cliff, I can see the rocks, they shine, they are hungry for the blood. Why do you help them? Why do you do that to me? Are you aware of what are you doing?
I have my life, I do not depend you, but what I feel is real, the pain, the hurt, the sorrow in my blood goes trough my brain, and moves every single vein in my body. STOP IT!
Be honest to me, tell me. Don’t you want to get that close anymore? Bored? Had enough? Are u in pain too? What is it? Fucking what is it. Tell me! SPEAK! TALK! TELL ME!
You’re killing me, with all.
You gave me a life, and you’re taking it back now.
Are you happy? Was that all planned? Why did you give me that much if you would take it all back one day? Why are you doing this to me, be open, and let me read you, as you do read me always.
I got enough, please, stop this and do this to me anymore, I am repeating, you are killing meeee!
Photographs for this project are categorized into four different titles;
IN COLOR, BLACKANDWHITE, SELVES, &OTHERS.
Each title has selected photographs from various urban scenery series that began back in 2014 and continues further. My lens is directed often on crowds (named as Silhouettes) or chosen individuals' portraits (&others) motivated to reflect on existencial questions, durability and instabile perspectives caused by emotions.
Stabile positioned objects representation as emotion, movement, combined with light and camera to reflect patterns of energy in motion as abstract form. A mixture of colors and known subjects dissolve while transforming into a new form. A subjective definition. This approach to point out fragility of perspectives or understandings internal or interpersonal conflicts influences on a person's life via objects' redefinition and abstract alienation,
Questions with "what is ...?" or "who is ...?" for understandings of "reality" considered as direct or indirect definitions by ancient thinkers based on what is observed. In other words what is experienced/lived/consumed. embraces my understanding on consumed "reality" perspective. Digested knowledge shouldn"t miss process of decompose and recompose followed by represent. As manipulation of power holders using channels like education, media, and recently also private data, My weapon to dissolve "what is real" aims to serve as imperfection rather than perfection, unclear rather than documention which also is a reflection on instable emotions for thyself, existence and by the limbic system of a brain can cause.
.
The leaves were suddenly red. All that impressive green was gone.
The source of light has changed it position, it is invisible now. Voices kept repeating "You can't escape", "Follow, you will be found.". Dead words that were green once, missing the water. Water has disappeared. A source, to water you even you dried.
The eyes, light brown to green, to unusual red. You are all invisibile, either one cannot see. Thinking. Creating. Complications. Distances. Cannot judge any.
Black bin bag is empty. All that were thought to be in, they all run away through a hole, at the bottom you didn't see. Back to their nature, involunterely donation.
A road? Has your mind checked that out? What are these flowing? Is nothing visible? Right, totaly emtpty. Bunch of wreck. All circut is off. Go away. Actually all of you.
Love is murdered.
No, I will not talk anymore. A soul that has been poisoned spreads poison in every single word, in every sentence that it manages to complete which returns back to itself as strikes of death.
Breath. Was that poison really contagious? If it wasn't, come closer again, only for couple of kisses more.
No, stop. It's enough. Talk to me again. Without the poison. Let your words not to injure, nor to murder. If managed, hold them tight, they should remain.
Change.
Raise your head. What's that you see? Infinity? It is. But for real? Does it exist? Where's ur soul? Your body? How are you this exhausted?
Don't hold me. Break my chains. Set them free. Though, don't open the door of this room where I can't breath anymore. Set the chains free. Speak to me louder. No, I will not ask politely. It has been hiding between the forgotten furniture, behind an armchair. But no, incompleted, began but stuck in the middle, nothing could fit in there.
I will bang my head on walls,
Walls of people
labored for them
built them by themself.
even more, on borders of countries,
on systems' barrier in communities,
a head, is not to be strong,
what if they were more
a skin on skull
any barriers banged on a bone,
even blood may covered flesh.
i bang,on those invisible walls., even more.
till I bleed again, if I will ever.
I destroy the barriers in between,
set by people.
don't Hold on more now,
use your head,, on those walls
Break any walls,-borders,-barriers
agreed deal is death, same end
except the walls
but to exist more, bury them before
unite.
rather to hide heads in invisible walls
or mind out,. 14 07 13
The dynamic substance everything is made of.
Movement of the mind, desires, or passions; mental act, or impulse to any action; internal activity, (philosophy) from κίνησις (kinesis); any change. Change of place.
do I hear correctly what's being said?or is it only what I understand?
photography project named as e-motion (energy in motion) is based on perspectives of representative reality and direct reality as questioning narratives on subject matter through images to escalate into believes and the understandings of each individual.
roaring giant waves left shores in silence. rage of ocean against its own drainage and rottens' wish to remain fresh are denied. every first every new-born in tears who sang a lament of death to an obligatory signature on a pact of existence. (
(things)